"Good evening.
I'm the fool, the dancer, the idiot.
I'll be taking care of you tonight.
I've donned my hair-gel jester cap;
groomed myself gaudy and pretentious.
Take your table and give me your coins and change
to complain.
I'll listen. Hell, crucify me.
Like my song and dance? Laugh.
Spit on me, and for a dollar
I'll catch it all in my mouth
and gargle.
You see, all we serve on our menu here
is gluttony
disguised and renamed several times;
put some chunks of it on a plate
and wring the rest into a glass.
I'm here to pluck rotted teeth
and twirl intestines,
wear everything around my neck on necklaces,
like leis.
Anything to keep you entertained
as the choke of extreme corpulence
stops your heart.
Just leave some cash folded under a cup
or tucked in the sleeves of a black receipt-holder.
Anything you want.
It's not the money I'm after,
bills to pay or not,
but rather the satisfaction of killing
bastards and bitches
with deliciousness and parlor tricks.
Some are wise enough to last off of
water and bread, and maybe some booze.
No matter.
I'm shit for the next hour or so.
When you leave, I'll write poems and ballads
about our night together,
store them in the little bells on my feet.
In a few years, I'll come and dance on your grave
to remind you.
Anyway, I'll be serving and slaying you this evening.
What can I get you?"
Initial draft of the gathered frustrations of being a waiter.
The speech I wish I could give when greeting a table.
1 comment:
If you'll permit me the honour,
'This is Shaun, your server.'
Some of this is just the predictable bitching, but, when you're a little less bitter give it another run through. There's some good stuff in here and a definite parallel with the jesters of medieval times, except then they had it a bit better and could deride even kings because only a fool would gulp down foolishness. Now I suppose you have to deal with the tyranny of the knaves. An interesting a predicament of the harsh compromises of modern times.
The tone's excellent, entirely passive almost throughout, condemned but not even as enthusiastic as a carny, but just as jaded.
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