Winter (Safekeeping)
these days you leave your warmth at the door
the careless take it with them,
arrive stripped and breathless and blowing it
into their hands
you know it's worse
to have something stolen than to give it up willingly
which must be why last night
before you left you pressed it into my lips
full and quick
a parting gift
for all the moments we wanted to and couldn't
outside in the cold when you invited me in
but i, in my skin stretched so tight
couldn't move for shaking and excused myself,
embarrassed, left you wondering
was it something you'd done wrong
for safekeeping
for when the time comes to brave the cold
and we'll lock the doors
valentine's day comes early. enjoy!
5 comments:
Almost, hopeful...that said, I'm making Ashley a replica of a human heart (sculpy and rubber cement) in a jar of fake formaldehyde...it's sweet, in that sort of way I think.
That said my advice on this is to strip all cliché from it. Like any Valentine's day gift though I realize that's almost impossible to totally get rid of.
I suggest a little tinkering with the first bit maybe something like,
"
Valentine's Day Comes Early (Safekeeping)
Arriving stripped and breathless
blowing it into their hands,
the careless take it with them.
These days,
you leave your warmth at the door.
It's worse
to have something stolen than to give it up,
willingly.
Last night
before you left,
you pressed it into my lips
full and quick,
a parting gift,
for all the moments we wanted to and couldn't
outside,
in the cold when you invited me in,
but in skin stretched so tight,
excused myself
for shaking,
remaining inert,
embarrassed.
For safekeeping
Valentine's comes early this year
for when the time comes to brave the cold
and we'll lock the doors."
haha well i hate that title, but i'll think about changing the one i gave it originally; i do realize calling something "winter" is barely a step up from calling it "untitled." i like your suggestion for reordering the first lines though, it certainly makes the narrative line smoother - for better or worse. i do enjoy clumsiness as a device so i'll have to weigh the pros and cons. still, really helpful remarks that i totally appreciate.
also: that human heart idea is, like, the cutest thing i've ever heard of. godspeed.
Valentimes, guys.
Get it right.
Simple as it may be, I'm struck by the 'skin stretched so tight' moment. It's a subtle-but-extraordinarily-effective phrase, I think.
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